Black roses
by cuppycakelol
Summary: Amu struggles with who she is, no one knows the real her. Her life changes when she meets a new friend. After that her life seems to get better but will this end sweet or sour? Full summary inside.
1. Life is like a boat in a bottle

**Ok I really shouldn't but here I need to write this down it is inspired by the song ten black roses by the Rasmus. The whole story is going to be because of this song. So you guys if you read and like check out the song. Also I will be continuing the story Heart breaker soon for mLady Deena. I have a lot of stories I am doing right now but I had to had to do this I needed to I was inspired and couldn't wait like I was trying to. Any ways I do not own Shugo Chara.**

_Summary: Amu struggles with the way she is. No one knows the real her and people tend to mistake her to be someone she is not. However things change one day, when she meets someone who wants to be her friend and know the real her. After that she begins to meet more and more people who she later can call a friend. She slowly discovers everyone is going through something that haunts them. Life changes for her she even caught someone interest but will this end good or bad?_

**Black Roses**

_**Chapter 1- Life is like a boat in a bottle.**_

(Amu pov)

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling fan as it rotated round and round. I wasn't bored in fact I didn't really feel anything at the moment. I rarely did sadly I felt as if I were trapped in a life that never changed most of the time. Waking up, school, home, sleep those were what I mainly did each day. I did not talk to anyone at school unless spoke to first.

I felt no need to talk to anyone, not that I felt I was too good to speak to them. In fact it was the opposite I wasn't good enough to speak with them. Yet somehow people mistook me for something I wasn't they thought of me as cool when I was the exact opposite. Despite my gloomy antisocial personality there were people who actually said they looked up to me.

They all thought I was special and had this idea of me that was not me at all. I tried once to tell them that they were mistaken yet they all took it as me being modest. In the end I gave up though the pressure was suffocating and I didn't want to feel like I was deceiving everyone. Each day it got harder and harder to breathe.

I was alone drifting through each day. Soon I would sink and drown and no one would really care, they didn't even know me. I never even had homework to do I would always finish it at school. The classes were too easy so I did nothing but sit and stare during the class.

If I wasn't living alone then maybe I wouldn't be so glum and depressed. If things were different maybe I wouldn't be numb of emotions most of the time. On some days I would feel things while others nothing. If I had real friends then maybe I wouldn't be this way.

The list could go on but in the end I guess it was my own fault for being this way. Many times I secretly tried to change but in the end I couldn't. I used to be upset over how I was or how I couldn't be like other girls. I was always odd but I wasn't always this depressed or glum.

In fact when I was little there were times I was happy and care free. Then everything changed, and now I was the way I am.

(Utau pov)

"Ikuto where the hell are you? You were supposed to pick me up a half an hour ago!" I couldn't believe my big brother forgot .After I had reminded him over 10 times that I needed a ride home from work today. I could tell by the way he answered that he had been sleeping.

"Chill Utau I'll be there in ten minutes ok?" His response made me want to snap at the way he said it all care free. Instead I hung up knowing he would understand that if he wasn't here soon I would wring his neck. I stood there tapping my foot ignoring people's stares as I glared at the air.

I was about to call again when ten minutes had passed, but luckily I saw his car pulling up just as I was getting ready to call. I opened the door sliding in and buckled my seat belt then glared out the front window. I would not speak to him since he got me mad. After all he knew I hated being alone especially after what happened two years ago.

Then again he didn't know what all had happened that night. My glare softened into a frown I guess it was my own fault. If I was smarter than maybe none of it would have happened. Now I was frightened and scared of being alone. I kept that night a secret, Ikuto only knew something had happened and that I didn't want to be alone.

He tried to help me and tried to get me to tell him what happened, but this was something I was unable to speak of. I felt if I were to talk about it than everything would fall apart and I would have to face the fact it happened. I wasn't in denial I knew it did happen but not speaking about it made it seem less real. So I went by each day as if nothing had happened 2 years ago and I planned to never tell.

I would suffer alone because I didn't want anyone to know of the incident. That night would remain with me forever. It would haunt me all my life; I had to do what I could to not go crazy. So I did what I could to remain the same as I was before.

The car stopped and I immediately got out and ran to my room. Closing my door I fell backwards on my bed closing my eyes. Ignoring Ikuto's knocks on my door. Eventually he left my door knowing I wasn't going to answer or unlock my door.

(Ikuto pov)

I left to go to my room slamming my fist against the wall. I wanted to help her I was her older brother and yet I couldn't do anything for her. Hell I had no clue what even happened, I may get annoyed by her at times but I did care. She used to cling to me and tell me everything.

I hated it but now I wish she would at least trust me and let me help her. She tries to pretend everything is ok but I know it's not. I try to stay calm and be normal but I can't not when I know she is hurting. I want her to be happy is all even if it meant she would annoy me to hell like before.

I hated feeling useless and that is exactly what I felt. I grabbed my jacket I needed to get rid of this feeling. Once in the car I sped off to the bar I usually picked girls up at. I chuckled but it was in no way happy. How pathetic I was using sex as an outlet for my pain and feelings.

No wonder I can't help Utau I can't even help myself. I was just a sick in the head satyriasis who used women. I was called a player and a heart breaker yet women still came to me. This was how I was using women I had never once met a girl I had any real feelings for. This is how I was living my life no one knew the real me hell I don't even know who I am.

**(Ok so as inomnomyou pointed out nymphomaniac was the wrong word. Satyriasis is the right term for men. Basically both mean someone who has a hypersexuality or someone who is addicted to sex. It is a real thing and many people have it. )**

**(Ok so just to let you know the title is referring to how they feel. Oh and the schedule starts Monday.)**


	2. Try to sail, you can't with no air

**Thank you for the review :D it makes me happy and want to write even more.**

**I don't own Shugo Chara and if you guys listen to the lyrics from the song ten black roses you will notice just how much this song inspired the story. Oh and just so you know this story will be centered around many problems people struggle with. And this chapter will be focusing on Anorexia this is a subject that is very dear to me someone special to me died from it. Anorexia is not just about losing weight it can be that the person feels they have no control in their life and that at least they can control what they eat. It can also be a death wish or other things. So many young girls and boys are getting eating disorders. Most of the time the people don't even know what they are doing is an eating disorder. I cry when I see people insulting and hurting people with eating disorders. It is in no way there fault and they are not stupid they are human beings to. Sorry and I hope that you will enjoy the story. I own the poem and the plot.**

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**Black Roses-**

**Chapter 2- Try to sail, you can't with no air.**

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(Amu pov)

I wrapped the towel around me not even bothering to fully dry off, I walked down the hall to my bedroom. Once in my room I then dried the water off as best as I could. Wrapping the towel around my hair I proceeded to dress. I checked the clock when I was done I had an hour and a half before school started.

I ran a brush through my hair deciding to leave it down. It takes me ten minutes to walk to school so I was now just sitting on my bed staring at the wall. I stood after ten minutes deciding to eat. It sounds stupid but I usually forget to eat.

The hunger pains don't affect me and I learned long ago to ignore the want to eat. I now only ate once in a while but hey eat to live not live to eat. I don't see anything wrong with the way I ate or well didn't eat. I opened my fridge and grabbed an apple washing it I took a bite.

I forced it down despite my bodies protest; it hurt and felt as if it were ripping me apart. I had eaten only half of the apple before I couldn't take it anymore. Running to the bathroom I crammed my fingers to the back of my throat allowing the hateful food to come up. When I was satisfied that nothing was left I brushed my teeth and cleaned up the mess.

I hated myself even more for becoming this way. Now it was far too late to change. My body was so used to not eating by now that it would reject food. I took out my note book and began to right how I felt down in the form of a poem.

**(Quod me nutrit me destruit/ that which nourishes me destroys me)**

_Her voice is in my head and I can't get her to leave. _

_She tells me she is here only to help._

_She tells me she will turn me into what I want to be._

_Oh but it came so suddenly now I can't go back._

_And oh I can hardly breathe and my worlds turned to black._

_Turned to black._

_I want to disappear self-destruct have no fear._

_I will never look back._

_Never look back. Take my all because I am just a nobody struggling to leave._

_Leave this world behind don't say it gets better with time._

_Because I am too far gone to believe in anything._

_She shows me the way and tells me she will always stay with me._

_But if I betray her death will be the penalty. _

_So what should I do when she takes over my mind_

_What should I do when none of me is left behind? _

_Self-confliction hateful conviction_

_Let me because I can't see the light any more. _

_Fade away my colors are black as I self-destruct down her path._

_Give me a hand hear my pleas_

_Before it's really too late and leads to the death of me._

**(A/N: Sorry if it isn't good.)**

I took my vitamin supplements so I had energy and didn't lose my hair. After that I grabbed my bag and decided to walk to school. Who cares if I was early at least I would be too distracted to care about other things. I ignored my bodies protest to lay down and rest and continued on my way to school.

(Ikuto pov)

I drove my sister and myself to school. We were early but I really didn't care at least maybe I could find something to kill the time. Utau however was pouting and complaining that none of her friends would be there. I ignored her but was glad at least she was now speaking to me again.

Sighing I told her to just stick with me till they got there. Rolling her eyes she just nodded in defeat. I knew Kukai would be there and his goofy enthusiastic personality would be something to distract Utau from being mad. Kukai was my best friend.

I happened to know Utau had a crush on him. I smirked as a plan formed in my head. Kukai and Utau you won't even know what hit you. I let my smirk drop when I felt Utau's gaze on me.

She must have shrugged it off because she went back to just pouting silently. I wasn't paying attention and had to slam on my breaks when I almost hit a girl who was walking into the parking lot gates. She looked at me as if she didn't care if she was hit or not. I stared back at her honey gold eyes in wonder.

It felt as if time froze but then when she lowered her head and began to walk away time started again. "Ikuto! What are you doing? You can drive now!" I snapped out of my daze and pulled into the parking lot and parked at the nearest empty spot. Something was bugging me about that girl but I had no clue as to what.

It felt as if I wanted to find her and tell her everything would be ok and that I would show her the meaning to life. I shook it off I must be crazy I didn't even know what living life meant. Besides I had never seen this girl until just now. I texted Kukai to meet me and Utau by my car in the parking lot.

(Utau pov)

I kept staring at my brother but he didn't seem to notice. He had been in a daze since he almost hit that girl. Maybe he had a crush on her. I smirked at an idea that entered my mind. I would find that girl and then set her and Ikuto up together.

Maybe then he would quit being such a man whore. My thoughts stopped when I noticed my brother's friend Kukai walking up to us. I fought to try and stay calm but how could I when someone I had liked for 3 years now was in front of me. I mentally beat myself up when he said hi and I ignored him.

Why did I always act so like an idiot when he was near? "H- Hey." I managed to mutter while glaring at Ikuto as he laughed at my stupidity. Oh he would get it one of these days.

I felt so stupid so I stormed off to the girl's bathroom. I felt stuck in my stupid world unable to breath unable to change. I was really beginning to hate myself. I acted so stupid in front of Kukai I'm sure he thinks I am retarded.

I was trying to fix my hair, when the door opened and in the mirror I saw the girl Ikuto had almost hit. She was easy to recognize with that pink hair. I was about to call out to her when I noticed she was swaying on her feet and stumbling. I reached for her right as she was about to fall.

Luckily she was really light cuss I managed to stop her from busting her head on the ground. I slowly laid her leaning against the wall. Grabbing my phone I called Ikuto cursing him that he took so long to answer. "What is it Utau?"

He asked in an annoyed voice. I tried to calm down as so I could tell him to help me. "Ikuto get your ass to the girl's bathroom now! I need help hurry please."

I hung up and checked on the girl, her breathing was ragged as if she was fighting to get air into her lungs. I felt her forehead and noticed she was ice cold I pulled my jacket off and wrapped it around her small frame. I pulled out my phone and dialed 911 quickly I told them what happened where I was and to send an ambulance now. Right when I hung up Ikuto and Kukai busted through the door.

Their expressions changed from relief to confusion to worry. I wanted to slap them both for being slow in getting here. However I was too worried for the girl to snap at them. I checked her pulse it was slowing down rapidly.

"I called an ambulance, they need to hurry her pulse is dropping fast." They nodded while Ikuto walked closer to the girl. He touched her cheek flinching from the cold. I watched as he pulled his jacket off and wrapped it around her just as I had done.

Kukai was pacing back and forth, "I hope Hinamori is going to be alright." I looked at him confused, "You know her?" He nodded and stopped pacing. He stared at me then to the girl.

"She is known as cool and for being a trend setter. She doesn't really talk to people much but lots of people admire her. Really though she seems lonely most of the time, I have never seen her smile and I have had at least one class with her for the past 3 years." I nodded letting the new info sink in about the strange girl.

Ikuto's eyes held fear but the rest of him remained calm. Finally the ambulance came and they rushed to put her on a stretcher ushering the three of us outside. They handed us our jackets and proceeded to do test on her. I briefly heard one say they were going to lose her if they didn't get her to the hospital fast.

They finally brought her out on the stretcher and loaded her in the ambulance. "Excuse me miss, we are going to take your friend to Seiyo emergency hospital. We will try to do what we can to insure she stays alive. If you could contact her family please do so."

I nodded, and with that they were off. I grabbed Ikuto's arm, "Take me to the hospital now!" He looked as if ready to protest but nodded in the end. "Wait up I'm coming with you guys too."

I just continued walking to the car. Kukai sat in the back me in the passenger seat and of course Ikuto driver seat. I felt the need to see if she was ok something about her reminded me of myself. I didn't join in on Ikuto's or Kukai's conversation.

(Kukai pov)

I was worried about Hinamori but I tried to liven up the atmosphere. Utau seemed to be really worried to but she remained silent the whole way there. As soon as the car was parked she jumped out and ran to the hospital doors. I and Ikuto followed after her.

She was already signing in and trying to get info on the girl. "Mam, look the doctors are doing all they can. Right now you just need to sit and wait until I get the ok to allow visitors for Hinamori, Amu." I grabbed Utau's arm and pulled her to sit next to Ikuto and I sat on her other side.

"Look I am worried to I mean I may not know her well but I don't want someone to die either. All we can do is praying that she will be ok and wait." I was almost relieved when she nodded and calmed down. Ikuto was staring at the clock broadly.

I noticed however that his eyes held worry as well. This was not like the Ikuto I knew at all. I whispered to Utau so Ikuto wouldn't hear. "Hey Utau how do you and Ikuto know Hinamori?"

She looked at me confused, "Oh the girl? We don't know her we just saw her this morning; But Ikuto was in a daze after he almost hit her. I think he has taken an interest in her. For me something about her makes me want to be her friend I don't know why but when I saw her I felt the want to be her friend."

I nodded to let her know I understood. After that we went back to being silent. However I noticed how worried the siblings were. I had known both Utau and Ikuto for years, and learned there actions when nervous.

(Ikuto pov)

Three hours had passed since we arrived at the hospital. Why was I hear any ways I didn't know the girl. Kukai was the only one who really knew who she was and even he seemed unsure about who she was. I was about to tell them let's just leave when the lady that was at the desk called Utau's name.

Utau sprang up and I and Kukai followed behind. This was not like Utau at all normally she would have left it all alone after calling for help. I briefly wondered why she cared so much, well why any of us cared when we weren't friends with the strange girl. I allowed the lady to put my visiting bracelet on and I followed Utau who seemed anxious.

She paused and slowly entered a room Kukai followed while I just stood in the door way. The girl was hooked to and IV and other machines to monitor her vital signs. Utau slowly made her way to the girl's side. Kukai had paused at the front of her bed.

The girl on the bed looked so tiny and frail now that she was in a hospital gown you could see just how thin she was. "T-thanks for um… helping me." The girl said timidly she seemed embarrassed to be seen like this. Briefly I saw what seemed to be regret in her eyes. I was once again curious about this girl I had only just met.

I went out to go get a drink and by the time I came back Utau was talking to her as if they were best friends. Kukai was joking around with her and the girl wore a small smile on her face. Kukai seemed stumped that she had smiled. I however knew at that moment that I would try and get to know her.

Something about her seemed to just draw people in. I didn't know what it was but it was there. I studied her she had gold eyes pink hair and an unusually beautiful face. Her body was petite and thin almost too thin and her skin was very pale yet she was beautiful.

None of us had asked her what had happened to her or if she was ok. Right now we were all just trying to figure things out without upsetting or scaring her off. However after some time I decided to ask a question that was really bothering me. "So… Um where are your parents?"

Her eyes widened as she froze, her mouth slightly opened. Her color paled if possible and she clenched her jaw tight. Her head lowered so I couldn't see her face. It was obvious she did not want to answer the question.

However I did not back down and proceeded to just stare at her, waiting for an answer. Kukai and Utau glared at me but I could tell that they wanted to know the answer as well. Finally she looked up at me and I flinched at the sadness hidden in those captivating eyes. "I have no family."

I nodded and just stood there oddly while Kukai and Utau apologized. She shook it off and once again they all went back to talking like nothing had happened. I observed the way she seemed so frail as if she would just disappear at any moment. It didn't take a genius to know something was wrong otherwise we wouldn't be here.

I started to think of reasons she would faint and be here. Kukai had said she was practically worshiped by people in the school. So why was she so lonely? I shook myself from my thoughts in time I would find out.

"Oh by the way my name is Hinamori, Amu. May I know who you guys are?" I couldn't believe we all forgot to introduce our selves. After Kukai and Utau had finished telling her their names she looked to me waiting.

"My name is Ikuto I'm Utau's older brother and Kukai's best friend. It's nice to meet you Amu." She blushed slightly while nodding. After that I became more comfortable and entered the room.

I still didn't jump into the conversations as much. I just stood there listening and watching while I sipped my soda. I felt at ease as I learned a little about her through listening to her talk. I even found myself slightly disappointed when the nurse came to tell us visiting hours were over.

Utau and Kukai said, "Bye" promising to visit her tomorrow after school. She seemed to enjoy the idea of seeing her new friends again. They both left while I remained the only one left in the room with her. I found myself unsure of what to say.

She seemed to since my uneasiness because she smiled reassuringly. "Good bye Ikuto thanks you again. Please if you want or can come visit me tomorrow as well. "I felt ecstatic that she wanted me to come again. I was half scared she would hate me for bringing up her parents.

I smiled and nodded. With that I left only to find Utau and Kukai at the door. They both smirked at me and then proceeded to mock me until we reached the car. I had never been so interested in any one before; I wanted to know everything about her.

As I drove I ignored my friend and sister's questions. They eventually gave up and then both started a conversation about Amu. I however was stuck wondering just why I was so interested in her. I knew my sister and friend would say it was love if I asked them.

So I remained silent the whole way to drop Kukai off at his house. Once it was just me and Utau things were quiet for a long time. "Ikuto I'm glad you finally took interest in a girl. Maybe you won't be a man whore now."

I flinched at her words but knew they were true. "Utau I am not interested in her that way." She rolled her eyes and while singing, "Somebody's in denial." I ignored her but I knew she could very well be right, only time could tell.

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**OK SO I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS STRANGE CHAPTER.**


	3. The voice of Anna

**=Ok so I wish to really quick say thanks XD**

**I do not own Shugo Chara.**

**Black roses-**

**Chapter 3- The voice of Anna**

_(Day by day it only gets harder.)_

_(Anna's voice)-Anna is the voice of Anorexia_

**(Amu's voice)- This is only when she is speaking to Anna**

Regular

(Amu's pov)

I had been discharged from the hospital. Though it was something I chose myself. I knew if I allowed myself to stay there it was only a matter of time before I was forced into getting help. I wasn't stupid I knew I had a very big problem, but I did not want help.

Anna was the only thing that made me feel ok about myself. She was now a part of me permanently. Maybe if things were different then I wouldn't have ever needed her. I shook my head, no use thinking about that now.

_You brought it on yourself, so don't feel sorry for your pathetic life. You begged me for help! You wanted control so I gave it to you. If you can't handle it then you can just go back to your pathetic useless life._

Dread is what I felt_**. **_**No I can't go back to my old life. I don't ever want to feel that way**. I sunk to the floor wrapping my arms around my body.

_Hush now my child! It will be ok. I won't ever leave you as long as you do what I say._ I felt better as I tried to calm my breathing.

**I will work harder, even if it kills me. I swear I will never let anyone take you from me. You're the only thing that keeps me going. **After some time I was calm but made no move to get up from my spot on the floor.

When I finally gathered myself up I quickly ran to my room grabbing my lap top. Searching for thinspo video's I let each image of the girls sink in. They were perfection; they had control and were happy. If I just kept it up and did better I could be happy like them.

I wrote down a quote that fit me perfectly. I had a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up no matter what I ate. I recited it in my head over and over rocking back and forth. I didn't care if I was crazy or mad any more it didn't matter.

_Good girl. Now if you ever see those people you met today again remember they will try to take me from you. They are jealous that you have self-control. They want you to fail!_

**They seemed so nice though are you sure?** _If they were really nice then why would they have brought you to the hospital? They want you to be miserable! You my dear can only trust me and me alone so never forget that._

I felt tears prickle my eyes with a stinging sensation. I quickly blinked them away; I should have known I could never really trust anyone. They would only try to bring me down. Anna was the only true friend I ever had and the only one I ever will have.

I clicked on a song and listened to the words. They seemed to scream to me that they were for me. I listened to the words tapping my foot and moving any way I could. Every calorie burned counted.

Over the years I had learned many tricks to get by in life. Anna was the biggest part of my life. It was because of her that I felt emotions at times, because of her that my ordinary days weren't so boring, because of her that I felt control over my life. I allowed my mind to slip off as I continued fidgeting in my seat.

(This is a glimpse of when Amu first started developing Anorexia. She was 12 then when it first started.)

Amu threw herself on her bed screaming in frustration. "This is so fucking unfair!" Who were they to tell her what to do? She thought as she repeatedly beat her fist against the bed.

They weren't her parent's they didn't even care about her. They were just strangers who came into her life and took over. She hated it she hated them. They had no right to tell her she had to move in with them.

She refused to leave the house she was born in. She had enough money to survive a few years, and after that she would work to support herself. She felt useless when they tried to control her life. She wanted to be in control of what she did or didn't do.

However she did not realize just how big of an impact the want for control would have on her life. As days passed she tried to find anything she could control. She felt like such a failure she became a person full of hurt and anger. Eventually her aunt and uncle gave up on her because they had their own life to live.

A few weeks later she was walking to school when she bumped into someone on accident. "Watch it fat ass!" Her eyes widened as she stared at the boy in front of her. He was her crush, and his words echoed through her mind.

That night as she looked in the mirror she noticed how fat she seemed to be. She poked and pinched the spots she hated. She compared herself to pictures of models in a magazine. Then she decided to go on a diet.

She did not realize that her mind was playing tricks on her eyes. She was healthy, but she only saw fat. She felt that a UN perfect body reflected a UN perfect soul. She began exercising and counting calories, then it turned into eating less and exercising more.

However as day's passed and more people began to notice her weight loss she felt proud. Soon she began skipping meals wanting to lose even more weight. For the first time in her life she felt a sense of power and control. She began searching for more and more tricks to lose weight faster.

A month had passed since she began dieting; now she had dropped 15 pounds. She felt great despite her stomach growling in protest. One day she found a website called Anna's angels. She was curious since it was tagged under fast weight loss.

Clicking on the website her eyes widened at what she saw. There was a very skinny woman on the page. She read the caption under the photo. "Bones define who we are let them show."

She was intrigued by how skinny and beautiful the women seemed. She scrolled down and found a photo gallery. Once again she clicked her mouse down only to feel like a failure. All of the women were so thin they were the true definition of perfection.

She compared herself to the images on the page. In her mind she heard the words you can always be better if you try. She scrolled up to click on a tips and tricks page. The longer she was on the page the more ideas she got.

Reading the quotes empowered her to believe she should try harder. In her mind grew the idea that true self-control was not eating at all. She became addicted to the website as the days passed. She then decided to try fasting like it had suggested.

She struggled the first day and gave in eating a salad, however she felt guilt. After she had managed to fast for 3 days she gave in again. Only this time she did something that she had never even thought of before. She ran to the bathroom flipped the toilet seat and put a finger in her mouth.

It took her a while to get the hang of it but she finally managed to purge herself of the food. However she was surprised by how painful it felt. She swore to never eat again that day. If she ever did she would purge it up as punishment.

This was the start of her new life of trickery and lying. She was starving herself and she thought it was the best thing she had ever done. She was now obsessed and could not go back and she really didn't want to. People at school began to notice her more and more than they used to.

However that was not why she continued on her path of self-destruction. It was the thrill she felt from feeling like she was in control. It was the thought that if she lost enough weight she would be happy. It was also because now she was addicted and did not even realize that she had developed a dangerous eating disorder, Anorexia.

(Ok this is back in the present time. And just to let you know that wasn't the whole story of Amu's anorexia it was just a glimpse.)

You would think I would be used to it by now. Each day seemed to just get harder and harder to get through, but I knew it would all be worth it in the end. The only thing that was on my mind was thinner. That one word drove me to keep going.

I grabbed my jacket feeling the coldness creep over me. I would go back to school tomorrow but for now I needed to exercise. I pulled my shoes on and left to go for a jog. I would try to go for 2 hours this time.

(Ikuto's pov)

My sister was bitching at me because I ditched to hang out with Saya. She was known as the school's slut but I didn't care. Like me she used people; however unlike me she did it for other reasons. Somehow I felt a weird kind of understanding of her.

Not that it meant I liked her or was even her friend. To me it was a use and be used relationship. To her I was just a thing to brag about. To me she was just a way to pass time, and rid myself of emotions.

However today I found myself hesitate when taking her clothes off. That was not like me at all. Then again yesterday I was very out of character. I told her to chill; Kukai was in the back seat laughing at Utau's description of me being a man whore.

I shrugged it off and continued to drive to the hospital. Once there we all went to get our visitor bracelet. "Sorry Hinamori signed herself out this morning. She insisted despite our protest."

I looked at Utau who looked shocked. We all got back in the car silently we all sat there. Eventually I started the car and began to drive to our house. Kukai was going to come over to do homework any ways.

"Why would she leave if the doctors protested against it?" I ignored Kukai's question but I wanted to know why to. I mean just yesterday she almost died; did she not care if she was sick? I tried to not think about it too much but couldn't help it.

"Ikuto maybe we should try to find out where she lives. Then we can check on her and see if she is ok. I'm sure she must have had some reason she left." Utau said it in such a hopeful way I couldn't ignore her.

"Ok but how are we supposed to find out where she lives?" Her face fell as she realized the problem in her idea. I thought that it was the end of our discussion. That is until Kukai broke out into a grin.

"I happen to know exactly where Amu lives." Both I and Utau looked at him in disbelief. "Stalker! How do you know where she lives Kukai?"

Utau Stated accusingly at Kukai. I felt slightly displeased that Kukai seemed to know so much about the girl who had caught my interest. "H-hey I am not a stalker! It just so happens I walk home the same way as her."

He blushed as he defended himself. I really wanted to smack the blush off his face if I could. However I pulled myself together, it was none of my business any ways. Instead I turned to Kukai and asked, "so where to Mr., stalker?"

After he kept trying to defend himself he said it was the street right before his. I nodded and drove to the street marked, Peach St and stopped near the sign. "Ok now which house?" He paused to think before answering me.

"The last house on the left is Amu's house." With that I pulled up to a two story house. It was a light blue and white on the outside. It looked nice and welcoming from the outside.

We all got out after I parked the car in her drive way, we all paused staring at the house. After a moment I walked up the small steps that led to the front door. Utau and Kukai followed my lead and now we all stood at the door. I rang the doorbell waiting to hear anything that indicated someone was coming.

After a few seconds past I rang once again. We all waited and still no one came to answer the door. "Guess she isn't home." I turned to make my way back to the car, but paused when I saw the little pinkette jogging towards her house.

She didn't seem to notice us until she was right in front of her yard. "Ikuto um… what are you guys doing here?" She asked nervously. "I seem to recall telling you we would see you tomorrow, did you forget little strawberry?" I fake pouted to add effect to my performance.

"U-um oh yeah sorry, I forgot with everything that had happened and all." She looked at her feet and seemed to be contemplating something. I was about to ask her why she left the hospital, when she interrupted me. "Why don't you guys come in and we can talk inside."

Utau and Kukai both said, "Yes" Immediately. I just nodded and followed them into her house. Looking around inside it seemed rather normal. She had furniture that looked comfortable and had a few paintings up on her walls.

"Have a seat in the living room I'll bring you guys something to drink. Do you all like soda?" I nodded while Utau and Kukai both replied with "yeah". I wondered if they would ever notice that they talked in synch sometimes.

We all sat down silently looking around the room. A minute later she was back with three cans of Coke. (I do not own) We thanked her and all took the soda drinking nervously. "You guys can relax I won't eat you" she stated jokingly.

"Amu can I ask why you left the hospital, do you realize you almost died yesterday?" I said it to the point because I was worried about her. I may not know her well but I felt a connection to the girl who intrigued me. "I just…I don't like hospitals, not since m-my parent's died."

This time I felt bad for once again making her answer a question that made her feel bad. Utau hugged her, while patting her back. "Look Amu sorry for asking questions that bring up bad memories, I was just worried." I said it as apologetically as I could.

"I-it's ok you didn't know, and thanks for caring but I'm ok so don't worry." Her mouth said that but her eyes seemed to tell a different story. However I let it drop for now, later I would figure out what that look meant. For now I would just try to get to know more about her, to me she was a puzzle I desperately wanted to solve.

**(A/N: I would just like to say I hope you guys enjoy it. This is as I have said something very important to me. I hope that I described it in an understandable way. Anna is another name for Anorexia, sometimes when your anorexic it feels as if she is a person telling you what to do.**

**She in the mind of an anorexic is a friend but also something they hate. Anorexia comes in many different forms and ways, it does not discriminate it can attack any one. It is not stupid it is a serious problem that can happen many different ways for many different reasons. Sometimes people don't even notice they have it because they are in denial.**

**If you or any one you know has it please try to get help. My friend and many other people have died from this disease.)**


	4. Try to scream but nobody cares

I do not own Shugo Chara! (Oh and Amu's conversations with Anna are in her head)

_(Anna's voice)- Anna is the voice of Anorexia_

**(Amu's voice) Only when she is speaking to Anna**

Black Roses-

Chapter 4- Try to scream but nobody cares.

(Amu's pov)

"I'll go get you guy's a snack." I smiled at them and then quickly made my way to the kitchen. _Great I tell you to avoid them and you let them in!_ **Don't worry if I just told them to leave they would only get more suspicious.**

**I'll keep my guard up and after they are satisfied they will leave, and they will probably forget about me in a few day's any ways. **_You better be careful! If not then I will leave you on your own. _Anna hissed in my head but grew quiet once again.

I grabbed a bowl and poured a bag of chips in it. Then I poured some dip into another bowl. The food in my house was all for appearance sake. I was thankful for once that I did have food in the house to serve them.

I walked out carrying both bowls one in each hand. I set it on the table and sat back down on the couch across from them. "Thanks" they all said one by one, though Kukai was the first to start digging in. I chuckled at this I once again found myself being carried away by their care free friendly personalities.

"Utau I bet I can finish more than you in 3 minutes!" Kukai challenge in an exited tone as he looked at Utau, I noticed the sparkle in his emerald eyes as he looked at Utau. Utau blushed, "You are so on! Be prepared to lose."

I noticed how her eyes held the same look as Kukai's when she looked at him. That look…was it love? They were both stuffing handful after handful in their mouth. They looked happy despite stuffing food down their throat.

_Don't be fooled Amu they are happy being failure's but you are better than that. Were you happy stuffing your face and being a fat whale? _**No I wasn't. I hated it I hated me I still do.**

_Once you reach perfection you will be happy. Just like all those girl's you see on the internet, they are true perfection. _I ignored her after that because I noticed Ikuto was staring at me strangely. I raised a pink eyebrow as if to ask what he was looking at.

"So Amu I want to know something" he paused as if to ask for permission. I knew he would ask any way so I just nodded for him to continue. Kukai and Utau were busy doing rematches so they didn't notice us. He came and sat next to me on the couch.

"I want to know what happened yesterday, not to be nosy but I mean you nearly died." I kept my face blank but I was freaking out on the inside. _Lie you fool say whatever you can to keep him from getting the truth! _Anna screamed in my head hissing and warning me she would leave if I ever told.

"Oh that… well I have a weak body… and well I had caught the flu so the fever made my body shut down is all. I'm perfectly fine now." He didn't look too convinced but he dropped it any way's which I was very thankful for. He looked back at Utau and Kukai and after a few seconds I did to.

_This one is dangerous; he is too smart for his own good. _**As long as he doesn't figure out what is really wrong with me then I don't have to worry about him. **_Yeah well what if he does then what will you do? _**I don't know but I won't let some guy I just met ruin my life.**

"I win!" Utau jumped up pumping her fist up and down in the air. "No way I was the one who ate the most! I finished the last chip in the bowl."

Kukai and Utau argued back and forth over who the winner was. "H-hey Ikuto?" I asked while looking at the arguing duo as if they were crazy. "Yeah Amu?"

When he replied I looked at him "Is um…is that normal?" I asked while pointing at the two in front of us. To be honest I was confused should I stop them or let them continue? "Yup, eventually they will either stop or Utau will slap Kukai silly."

For some reason I thought it was cute how Ikuto popped his p when he said Yup. However my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone as in Kukai being slapped by a glaring Utau. "You are such a jerk Kukai!" Utau turned away from him as if to say she was not speaking to him.

"See I told ya so." Ikuto said while taking a sip from his can of soda, as if he wasn't fazed at all. I couldn't help it I busted out laughing while clutching my stomach. Then a second later all of them joined in laughing and it was as if nothing had happened a second ago.

It had only been twice that I had talked to them yet I was able to laugh and smile something I was not at all used to. It felt good and I found myself wanting to learn more about the strange trio. However I knew that if I allowed myself to get too close to any one they would only hurt me in the end. However maybe just maybe I could relax a little and if only for a while enjoy having company.

I heard Anna hiss but I ignored it and continued to smile. "Hey do you guys like video games?" They all looked at me like I had grown a second head. "Of course we do! I mean who doesn't!" Kukai said with a mock offended expression on.

"I don't so are you trying to put me down for that Souma!" Utau said using his last name. I took it that Utau was mad at him still. I interrupted before Kukai could retort, "Well then Kukai and Ikuto can play video games and me an Utau can listen to music."

"I will so wipe the floor with you Ikuto!" Kukai said automatically forgetting about his and Utau's fight. "Good the video games are in the drawer under the TV knock your selves out." I grabbed Utau's hand and brought her to my room.

She studied my room while I hooked my IPod to some speakers. (I do not own) I hit shuffle on my exercise play list and flopped down on my bed. Utau did the same, "I love this song!" She said while moving her head to the beat.

"Me to all of Super Chicks music is good. My favorite is beauty from pain, what's yours?" I asked while swaying side to side. "Mine is crawl but I love beauty from pain too!"

I nodded and then we both started to giggle for no reason at all. I had never laughed so much over nothing before. "Hey Amu I am glad that we are friends now." I was shocked but couldn't help but grin, it was the first time I actually felt that I had true friend.

I know it seems stupid that I felt happy when we hardly knew each other but I couldn't help it. "Me too!" After that we spent almost an hour talking about our likes and dislikes. It felt good to be able to talk to someone without them judging me, especially to have a girl to talk with.

We decided to check on how Ikuto and Kukai were doing so we walked down stairs and into the living room. There we saw Kukai almost in tears as he begged Ikuto to have a rematch. Ikuto just sat there bored, "No I am tired and I beat you 7 times already." Ikuto stated while stretching and yawning.

The phone rang causing me to jump slightly. I went to answer it checking the caller I.D. first.

"Hello?" I asked because I didn't recognize the number. Not many people knew my number, and even less people called. Not even my aunt and uncle called.

"Hello this is Dr. Tsukasa from Seiyo hospital, May I please speak with Miss Hinamori Amu. " Two things ran through my mind in that instant. One why the hell were they calling? Two what the hell should I do?

"Yes this is her speaking. What can I do for you sir." I said as calmly as I could hoping no one would notice my strange behavior. I was thankful Ikuto, Kukai, and Utau weren't paying attention at the moment.

"Well I was informed you had left the hospital despite our nurse's protest. I also got your test results back and would like to meet with you to have a serious discussion. We don't have to meet at the hospital if you don't wish to. However I really suggest that you and I talk about the results of your test."

My blood froze over but I forced myself to breath and answer. "Sure Dr. Tsukasa when would be a good time for us to meet up, and where?" I finally managed to breathe normally. However my palms were sweaty and I felt a strange feeling run through my body, one I always got when nervous.

"Well the sooner the better, How is tomorrow at… "He paused as if checking what time is good. "4:30 p.m. at your house. Is that Ok with you?"

I thought for a second, I would be home by then and it should be ok right? "Sure Dr. That sounds good to me. "He paused before replying. "Ok then I will see you then, have a good day miss Hinamori."

I said goodbye then hung up. I turned to find 3 pairs of curious eyes on me. I forced a smile; "It was just the Dr." I tried to sound normal. Ikuto was the first to speak "oh is everything alright?"

I smiled again trying to look reassuring. "Of course he just wanted to discuss some things with me is all. Nothing bad just some things that can help strengthen my weak Immune system." Thank god I came up with a quick lie.

Ikuto's eyes once again held a look that seemed to waver from belief to suspicion. Thankfully he kept his mouth shut. I made up my mind to try to avoid him as much as I could. After all he was really to sharp, the other two accepted my explanations without a thought.

(Ikuto's pov)

I couldn't shake the feeling that Amu wasn't telling the truth. However I kept quiet because one she obviously didn't want us to know the truth, and two I didn't want her to think I was some nosy stalker. However something tugged at my mind that made me worry. That something was the fact that Amu was all alone in this house and that something more seriously wrong with her then she let on.

We all decided to leave and said our goodbyes to Amu. Kukai and Utau made their way to the car and got in, but I just stood there for a few moments. I felt the need to say something before we I left. I don't know why but I was scared to leave her right now like if I left without saying something she would just disappear.

"Hey… look where all here for you so if you need us don't hesitate to ask us for anything." She looked shocked as if she never heard those words and as if she didn't know how to take it. "Thanks Ikuto… Um but I'll be fine but I…appreciate it." I looked her in the eyes and she seemed to be very confused at the moment.

I nodded handing her a paper I had written mines Utau and Kukai's number on. "Still here just in case, Even if you just feel like calling to talk or something." I ran a nervous hand through my hair before waving and getting into my car. I looked at her standing their waving and then I pulled out of the drive way and left.

I looked back once or twice but I forced myself to leave. Something was definatly going on with Amu, and I really wanted to find out what it was. Her eyes always held something strange in them. I couldn't figure out what it was but I felt as if it was failure.

Once we dropped Kukai off I drove me and Utau home, mom would probably be home by now making dinner. I didn't really feel like eating at home if it meant our step dad would be there. Not that he was mean or anything it just felt awkward. So I pulled up at the drive threw for hippo hamburgers and ordered me and Utau our dinner.

I parked at in the parking lot at the park me and Utau used to play in when our father and mother were still together. We ate in silence but it wasn't uncomfortable. "Hey Ikuto?" I took a sip of my drink then looked at her waiting for her to continue.

"What do you think of…Amu?" She asked while sipping her own drink. I almost choked on the fry I had just stuck in my mouth. Coughing I waited to answer till I was sure I was ok.

"Um… she's cool why?" I didn't want her to know what I really thought of the little pinkette. "Well I like her and I happen to know she thinks you're hot." She sang the words you're hot.

I felt a huge grin spread across my face but quickly put on a smirk instead. "Yeah? Just how do you know that?" I asked trying to say it like I didn't really care.

"Well… since you don't really seem to want to know then I guess I won't bore you with the details." She smirked and I knew she was playing with me. Sighing I gave up my act, "Just tell me already." I said impatiently.

"Fine no need to get all anxious on me." She chuckled while saying it. She looked at me with a look that seemed to say 'I know you're interested and I am so going to never let you live it down.' I just looked at her impatiently.

"Ok so we were upstairs talking and we were talking about our likes and dislikes. Then we got onto the topic of boys and…" She paused which made me glare. "And when I asked her what she thought of you she said, "Ikuto…hmm well I think he is nice looking" and then she blushed like a red tomato."

I was trying to see where the hell Utau had gotten hot from the word nice. "So basically you tricked me just now." I stated it not asked however she answered. "Not at all dear brother don't you get it when a girl says nice looking then blushes as hard as she did it means hot!"

I thought it over and I automatically felt happy. "Alright Utau so you get I am interested in Amu so help me will you? In return I will help you with Kukai." Right away she tried to deny liking Kukai but I just stared at her with a knowing look.

"F-fine!" She said while blushing. After that we both finished our meal in silence. Once we were home and done saying hi to our mom and step dad we went upstairs to think of a plan.

~ Time skip to the next day at school. ~

I had yet to see Amu but Utau had and told me she invited Amu to join us for lunch. I felt excited but kept a bored mask on. The day seemed to go too slowly and I almost thought time was out to smack me in the face when the bell for lunch finally came. I grabbed my things as fast as I could without looking like I was in a hurry and left the class trying to walk normal.

I met Kukai under the tree we always ate at near the soccer field. Utau and Amu weren't there yet so I talked with Kukai while we waited. Finally I saw Utau walking with her arm linked together with Amu. I tried not to look like an idiot but felled because I was grinning like one.

Kukai was staring at me shocked but luckily Amu hadn't noticed. Both girls sat down and Amu said hello to both Kukai and me. Then her and Utau started laughing about some joke I didn't hear because I was busy looking at Amu's expressions. Kukai nudged me and I snapped out of my trance just in time to because Amu turned to look at me right then.

"Hey Ikuto guess what happened in biology." She said while trying to keep a straight face. I hummed a response unable to trust my voice at the moment. "Well Lulu as in the bitchy Lulu was bath mouthing Saya so Saya threw the got eyeball we were studying at her, It was so funny you should have seen her reaction."

Amu did an imitation of what was supposed to be Lulu's face. All of us cracked up laughing I was glad because Lulu deserved it. "What did Lulu do?" Kukai asked still laughing a little.

"Well first she slapped the eye ball off of her and then she screamed and ran out. Everyone was laughing so the teacher woke up and yelled back to work." Everyone was laughing again while mocking the way Amu had done the imitation of Lulu. I couldn't help but think Amu looked best when she was smiling and laughing.

After things calmed down me and Utau took out our bento's and began to eat. Kukai had gotten his lunch at the school and had already started eating before I even got there. However I paused when all Amu took out was a bottle of water. Wasn't she going to eat?

"Hey Amu didn't you bring a lunch? Or do you get yours from the cafeteria?" I asked curious as to if she forgot or something. She was really too thin and I was worried that she wasn't eating enough.

"Oh I brought my lunch but I don't feel hungry because I ate a huge breakfast and a snack last period." She pulled out her bento and then a candy bar wrapper as if to prove her point. I nodded and then she threw the wrapper out and asked if anyone wanted her bento. "No you keep it in case you get hungry later."

She only nodded after I said that however something about her eyes alarmed me. I couldn't place it maybe I was imagining it because Utau and Kukai didn't seem to notice. However she looked away from me and started a conversation with Kukai and Utau. I went back to eating and joined in on the conversation here and there but my mind was on her eyes.

~ Time skip ~

After school I offered Amu a ride but she said she had to meet her Dr. and that she would call later. We all said bye and this time I hugged her she blushed like crazy and I couldn't help but smirk. "See you later strawberry." I said while dodging her swing which was aimed at me I fake pouted before smirking once again and getting into my car.

She was blushing furiously while I heard her yell "Ikuto!" I chuckled as I pulled off Utau was smiling while Kukai was in his own world. I turned on the radio and a song came on I didn't know I was about to change it. However the words made me picture Amu's eyes.

My eyes widened when the next line came and I felt as if it was speaking about me and how I felt. "Try to scream but nobody cares." I tried to shake it off it was just a song. However it made me realize just what it is I saw in Amu's eyes and why it was familiar to me.

(Amu's pov)

I dropped my bags off at home and changed into more casual clothes. I put on a tank top and then a plain t-shirt and added a loose jacket on top. I wore loose jeans. The reason I wore lose clothes was for the simple reason it made me look slightly bigger. That way people couldn't tell what my body looked like so they wouldn't notice that I was starving.

It seemed weird to hide your body when you were doing what you did to lose weight. However it was because that way people couldn't try to help me. It was up to me what I did it was my body. Sadly people didn't understand that and I have seen what they do to people with eating disorders.

I did not want to be put in a hospital or a place where they force you to eat. I fixed my hair and then left. I listened to the song Courage by Super chick (I don't own) while I made started the coffee pot and made some cookie dough. I would put on a show for the Dr. just in case he was coming to talk to me about what I thought he was coming to say.

I had just finished putting the cookies in the oven. I checked the clock he would be here in a half an hour. I played the song lemons by Katy rose (Don't own) while I waited for the cookies to finish baking. When they were done I put them on a plate and grabbed two coffee mugs.

Just as I finished putting some sugar in a sugar bowl and grabbing the crème from the fridge the doorbell rang. I quickly grabbed to tea spoons then set everything on the coffee table in the living room. I took a deep breath it was time to act. I smiled and opened the door ushering the Dr. in while taking his coat.


End file.
